The paradox of belonging – how our need to belong can create the very walls that isolate us – if we let it…

The paradox of belonging – how our need to belong can create the very walls that isolate us – if we let it…

Humans are tribal. Our need to belong is deep and primitive because belonging has been critical to our survival.  Belonging makes us feel safe. One of the things our need to belong drives, is our brain’s default mechanism to automatically put things and people into categories – will this thing or person contribute to my survival?  These instincts are hardwired to avoid threat and for our self-preservation.  And that is the paradox.

To feel safe we need to belong and to belong we categorise, that is, we stereotype. And stereotypes are a barrier to inclusion. We instinctively stereotype to feel safe.

Stereotypes are cognitive short cuts, they served us well at some stage of our evolution by saving us energy and making us feel safe.

So, the tribal instinct to stereotype goes deep and is ironically triggered by our need to belong. Yet the consequence of stereotyping is to not include those who are different, it is antithetical to our aspirations of inclusion. To that very need to belong that we want our organizations and leaders to deliver on.

The paradox of belonging is not inclusive

So how do we address this paradox? How do we ensure we are not driven by our evolutionary programming, our primitive brain? That we are not instinctively excluding through our very need to belong, where we find ourselves talking about ‘them’, creating ‘others’, feeling ‘other’  – often aggrieved and angry.

Like all paradoxical challenges it starts with us, managing our own sense of threat and the perception of threat in others.  As leaders it is our responsibility to manage that in ourselves as well as take responsibility for how threatened those we deal with feel.  Dialing down our own sense of threat and enabling that in others. Building trust.

Dial down your threat detector

Notice your own sense of ‘other’ ‘them’ – fueling mistrust, blame and contention.  When we feel threatened, we are on high alert, primed for a fight, sensing adversaries, we can see ‘enemy’ and ‘other’ everywhere, precisely at a time when we long to belong, to feel safe and to be included.  This polarisation does not serve us or inclusion well.  It in fact fortifies the very walls we want to break down, eroding trust.

Watch your own categorisation habit

Who have you recently described as ‘entitled’ or ‘stupid’ or ‘privileged’ or ‘typical’.  Why did you do that, and how did it make you feel?  What is the impact on the group that you categorized as such? You can choose to see ‘other’, and you can choose to see ‘ally’.  We are all responsible for creating a culture of belonging, of mutual trust, it is not up to ‘them’.

Be curious before you get furious

Why assume bad intentions?  Be cautious about attributing intentions to other people. We attribute intentions instinctively, but they are often wrong.  We can choose to cultivate ill will or good will, we can choose to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Try ‘In the spirit of seeing this from the others’ perspective, what is the most generous interpretation I could give to this situation?’

Anger is not agency

Notice if you have made reacting to a perceived threat your default setting. You get to choose to respond with grace and intelligence. Of course, stick up for yourself and what you believe in – with skilful assertiveness – but anger is not agency.

Anger is exhausting; manage that energy, put it into the people, behaviours and emotions that will make a difference.

We can all learn to exercise our true agency.  Creating a wake of inclusiveness by breaking down the walls of our own and others stereotyping.

We are usually safer than our brains tell us we are. Of course, these are destabilising times but there are so many hands to hang onto out there. We can be one another’s allies and become one another’s advocates by resisting categorising, spending time together and building trust. That is one of leadership’s most important tasks today.